Remember to Play

Early in relationships, it's easy to be playful. At least, it is for most people. I had a first date once where we were going to a movie of my date’s choice. The movie she chose was “Happy Feet,” and we went into a mostly empty theater. We decided to sit in the very last row, and things were going great. Well…. About halfway through the movie, she got bored and pulled out a book and a small book light. “What are you doing?” I asked her. “I am bored, so I am going to catch up on my reading.” I was stunned…. We were watching a movie (which if I had my choice we would have been sitting in “Tenacious-D and the Pick of Destiny” or “Casino Royale.”) I don’t think it is such a huge jump to make the conclusion that this was not only our first, but also our last date.

I suspect that most people do a better job being playful on dates, but once you're coupled up and having regular discussions about who did the dishes last, play may not come as easily. I'm not giving up, though. In his book Play, psychiatrist Stewart Brown says that playing is key to keeping relationships from hardening into drudgery. The down side, is that he doesn’t give any ideas or suggestions to how couples should do that. So, here are a few ideas we have done (or want to do):

Challenge your partner to a wrestling match. Careful to not be too aggressive, also watch out for fingernails and jewelry.

Play people-watching "Bingo." All you need for this one is a pen and paper. The next time you're bored and are at the local mall or run out of things to talk about at dinner, draw a grid and fill it in with people you're likely to see. In our community, for instance, that might include "two or more women with yoga mats," and "Couple who are clearly using pets as practice children." Then trade grids and play Bingo for a good prize, like a backrub, the other person paying the bill, or something a little more sensual.

Play the "Newlywed" game. I actually had a good time playing this with my parents and a handful of friends not long ago. The trick is vetting questions so that they are spicy but not too revealing. So, "Where was the first time you did the dirty?" – this might not be so good for a family game. But, "Where was your first kiss?" works well.

Impromptu Pillow Fight.  Ambush your partner with an impromptu pillow fight! Nothing can keep the passion alive in a relationship than maintaining a sense of humor! (Trust me, NOTHING is funnier than watching your partner fly across the bed in their underwear, pillow in hand, yelling “BONZAI” as the pillow is swinging at your head.)

Play Photo Booth. Grab your camera phone and start taking pictures of you two. Make funny faces, kissy faces, and capturing a sweet kiss between the two of you! BONUS: Add your favorite or the most embarrassing photo of your partner as their Caller ID photo.

Play Hide and Seek. My wife and I have had some fun with this one. In each apartment we have lived in, we have “christened” it with a couple good games of hide and seek. If you want to put an adult spin on this game, play it naked and whenever you get found you have to complete some sort of sensual act with each other in the location of your hiding place.

I'll be trying these and will let you know how it goes. Got any ideas of your own to add?

Relationship Quote

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

Healthy Relationships

" A healthy relationship is based on equality and respect, not power and control. Think about how you want to be treated and how you treat others."  We go back to the golden rule, be to your partner as you would like your partner to be with you.



Here are some little tips:

1. "Honesty and Responsibility: Not making excuses for your actions" Some of which may include:
- "Admitting when you are wrong". Sometimes it's hard to do. But it is also relieving to remember you are only human.
- "Keeping your word" Your partner needs to know he or she can count on you; after all, if there is no trust in a relationship there is nothing.
- "Not canceling plans"  Sometimes we plan ahead what we are going to do. It's a total heart brake when one of the parties cancels that special time to go do something else. It also can diminish trust,  and feelings like being neglected and even felt let down and ditched can take place.

2. "Open Communication: It is being able to express your own feelings or opinions" As individuals we all have our own opinions about  everything. As a couple, we might share some of those opinions, but chances are we also disagree in some things.
- "Knowing it is OK to disagree" It is self explanatory, but always keep in mind that your partner has his or her own brain, comes from a different background, and was raised differently. Also, you and your partner might have different experiences that might change the point of view. Remember that marriage is about two individuals working together in the same direction.
- "Saying what you mean and mean what you say" As we always say, your partner is not a mind reader, neither are you. A little help goes a long way when it comes to express what is happening. Remember that communication is the key to success in marriage (besides love of course).

3. "Appropriate Intimacy: Respect boundaries" I don't need to say much about this, you can refer to our blog called " BEST SEX EVER! RULES FOR SEX"

4. "Physical affection" Physical contact is one of the languages of love. Not everyone likes to be touched and kissed all the time, but it is important that you talk to your partner and find a happy point where you both feel comfortable. Some people do not feel comfortable displaying their love and affection in public, some actually enjoy it.
- "Holding hands"
- "Hugging"
- "Respecting when your partner says no" (Again you can read the blog mentioned above)
- "Paying attention to body language" This one is a very good one and I need to point out to the ladies that man are sometimes a little oblivious about body language. Sometimes it is better to talk it out. Nevertheless, if you try to hold your partners hand and he or she softly tries to let go, it is pretty strong hint there. Now, since we are actually talking about marriages, I hope you feel comfortable enough to talk if something is bothering you.

5. "Fairness and negotiation" Just remember that in order for this principle to work, there has to be communication. Be gentle at all times. When you are going to tell your partner something that is bothering you use the sandwich principle. I will describe this principle later. Some valid points about fairness and negotiation are:
- "Accepting change"
- "Being willing to compromise"
- "Working to find solutions"
- "Agreeing to disagree is OK"

The sandwich principle works like this:
*Say something nice about him or her.
*Be honest but gentle at saying what is bothering you"
*Say something nice again.

Here is a golden piece of advice: DO NOT EVER START A SENTENCE WITH THE WORD YOU.
For example: You make me so mad when you leave your dirty clothes in the floor. I've been cleaning the whole freaking day!
Notice how the above sentence accuses the person; which in response will create defenses instead of an open mind that is ready for communication. Instead start always with the word I and follow with an emotion. For example:
I fell so frustrated and tired when I find your clothes on the floor. Would you please help me with that?
Notice how the sentence has changed from being accusatory to being a mere expression. Nobody can argue with your feelings. In the contrary, they will be open for communication. Also notice how at the end of the sentence you are in fact committing the other person to fix the problem. This model can be used in every case. Remember that if you accuse someone of something, that person will create defenses. After the defense has been placed, communication will be blocked and impossible at that moment, since he or she is not longer listening.


6. "Shared responsibilities: Making decisions together"  Like we said before marriage is a  partnership. What one does will affect the other. This principle is especially important when kids are around. Remember that your partner is only human, and can do only so much. Same thing for you, I know you are amazing, but you are also human. Go ahead and give each other a loving pat in the back! Great results come from hard work, love, and communication.

7. "Respect":Here they describe some events in which it is important to validate your partner.
- "Pay attention to your partner even when your friends are around."
- "Valuing your partners opinion even if it differs from yours."
- "Listen to what your partner has to say before you formulate what you are going to say."
- "Acknowledgement of what you receive from your partner."
Remember always that your partner has feelings, so be gentle. Insults and harsh words will only lead to a bad self-esteem, fear, and a hurt heart. Again the golden rule: Treat your partner as you would like to be treated yourself.

8. "Trust and Support: Being supportive." Sometimes our partner might come up with a great idea (or at least it is a great idea according to himself or herself). DO NOT EVER put him or her down. You are his or her #1 pal and he or she needs your support. If such idea is absolutely lunatic (aka Peter Griffin from Family Guy and his shannannigans), be honest, but be gentle at doing so. Never say that he or she is not good enough for that, nor use any words that would have the same meaning. Sometimes we just want to share an idea, and all we want is to be heard. So let's LISTEN to what our partner has to say and let's show our love and support. Even with a loving smile, a pat in the back, or a gentle kiss. If we are not there to support him or her, you can bet there is someone out there who is willing to.

People who cheat on their spouse usually don't start doing it for sexual reasons.It is emotional reasons and emotional emptiness the main reason why people cheat. Sometimes those reasons are because he or she might feel:
-Neglected
-Disrespected
-Feels the lack of support from his or her partner.
-Lack of communication
-Ignored
-Sexually frustrated, emotional emptiness in the bedroom
-Lack of commitment
-Lack of interest by partner.
-Feels that he or she is not understood by partner.

By no means we are excusing such behavior. But instead we want to point at those red flags and those behaviors that can be easily fixed.

May your relationship be healthy in every way! This is our goal. Remember that it is never too late to change for the better and to improve yourself and your marriage. Communication is the key!

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 Hearts picture from site : http://www.eastwestromanceonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/04/2hearts.jpg

Building and Maintaining Trust in a Relationship

Trust in your relationship is the most valuable thing you will ever have. Once the trust is gone, the marriage is soon to follow. Below are some tips that I found online that I hope can help you build, maintain, or strengthen the trust you and your spouse share. I can personally attest to these being the key to a strong relationship. My wife and I share everything, and our relationship is stronger than those of most of our friends.

• Keep what your partner tells you within the confines of your relationship. Telling others what your partner has shared with you in confidence destroys trust.
• Don’t rely on email, phone calls and texts to communicate with your partner. Spend time communicating face-to-face. Communicating in person will help each of you to build a greater sense of security as you become more open and vulnerable with one another.
• Consider your partner’s interests. The more you do for him or her, the more he or she will know that they can count on you and that you have their best interests at heart. If your partner feels like they can count on you, it will make it much easier for them to share the more vulnerable parts of themselves with you.
• Follow through with the little promises that you make. For example, if you say that you will call or be some place at a certain time, be sure that you do these things. Small actions matter toward helping you to build a strong foundation of trust.
• Learn to apologize when you make a mistake or disappoint your partner. An authentic apology should be sincere and from the heart. To be truly meaningful, take responsibility for your actions and reassure your partner that you understand how your action impacted him or her.
• As you learn more about your partner, allow yourself to share more personal information and history with him or her. Aim for balance between how much each of you shares, since trust is not built if only one person shares.
• Spend time together doing things that make each of you happy. Since you are two different people, you will naturally like some different things. Being open to a new experience that your partner brings to you will build the bond between you and trust will follow.
• Practice forgiveness when you are upset with your partner, and let go of a hurt after the two of you have talked it through. Receiving a sincere apology builds trust in an important way.
• Take some time away from your partner to check in with yourself, and get some feedback from your trusted friends or relatives. By taking space and speaking with a trusted friend or relative, you may gain a new perspective about your relationship. For example, you may discover that you have been pushing aside information about your partner that tells you this person cannot be trusted. On the other hand, you may discover that your partner is ultimately worthy of your trust.
• Trust can fluctuate over time as each of you experiences the bumps of life. Reassure each other that your love and safety are still intact. This will further strengthen the foundation of trust between the two of you.

Found on http://www.catherine-morris.com/articles/stronger_relationship.htm

50 Ways to Romance Your Wife

1. Make sure your kisses last at least six seconds. Every now and then go for a full minute.

2. Feed each other grapes.

3. Stick a love note in a lunch box, purse or pocket.

4. Send funny and/or romantic cards by snail mail or e-mail.

5. Learn how to give a great foot massage.

6. Wash each other’s hair. Watch the movie Out of Africa for pointers.

7. Set your alarm for five minutes earlier than usual to cuddle.

8. Smile at each other.

9. Get silly with each other and laugh out loud together.

10. Grab your partner for a spontaneous dance when a favorite song comes on the radio or stereo.

11. Make eye contact when you talk.

12. Hold hands.

13. Leave a wonderful voice mail message on their phone.

14. Text a love note.

15. Send a love e-mail every day.

16. Leave little love notes in unexpected places.

17. Send a funny photo on your phone.

18. Ask about each others’ days.

19. Listen with 100% attention.

20. Give a one-minute shoulder massage.

21. Do something unexpected for your spouse.

22. Snuggle on the couch.

23. Touch each other with affection.

24. Notice and comment about something your spouse does that you like.

25. Say thank you.

26. Say you’re welcome.

27. Be interested in what your spouse is doing.

28. Tell a joke.

29. Leave a flower.

30. Offer to help.

31. Write a poem.

32. Read a poem to your spouse.

33. Cook a romantic dinner.

34. Offer to cook dinner if you aren’t the one who usually cooks.

35. Burn a CD with favorite songs, or love songs.

36. Post photos on the refrigerator or bathroom mirror that remind you of wonderful times you’ve shared.

37. Bring home great take out for just the two of you. 

38. Say “I love you” in a different way every day.

39. Slow dance to a love song.

40. Write a love note on the bathroom mirror. PG rated if you have kids!

41. Offer to take the kids out of the house for awhile and give the other parent some alone time.

42. Dip a strawberry into whipped cream and feed to your partner.

43. At night, step outside together for five minutes and look at the stars.

44. Sing to each other.

45. Make a care package with his/her favorite snacks and leave it in the car.

46. Establish a weekly ritual that you faithfully observe. For example, watching a favorite television program, taking a walk after dinner, putting candles on the table.

47. Give your spouse a little token to wear as a reminder of your love. (Try for creative rather than expensive.)

48. Kiss your spouse on the back of the neck.

49. Flirt with each other.

50. Watch a sunrise or sunset together.

Things to NEVER Say to your Partner

Hello again, I was thinking about some of the couples we've helped, and I realized that there is a problem in common with most of them. We are told several times that honesty is the best policy. In some cases this is true. The things you should never say to your partner are not lies by all meanings, are simple stuff that is obvious to them. We all have mirrors, and we can see things we don't like about ourselves. So most of the time we don't need someone else to point them out and throw us into the deep dark hole that is self-consciousness. Here is a list that might seem silly, but it contains subjects that no matter what you should not EVER tell your partner. If you do, instead of helping it will end up hurting them beyond belief.

1. You are fat.
2. Wow, you ARE getting old.
3. Remember when we got together? you looked so good back then...
4. You should start a diet
5. You left for your trip so skinny and now, look what happen...
6. Are you in yet?
7. I’m not saying you are that small, it's just that I've been with bigger guys...
8. Ewww I thought penises look nicer...
9. Ewww vaginas ARE ugly.
10. You are starting to look like your mother. You better do something to lose weight and look better.
11. Are you close to getting done yet?
12. You are losing hair; I can see the bald spots from here.
13. Well, I wasn't expecting you to get better looking with the years but DAMN!
14. You look fat.
15. You look gross.
16. You look too fat in that outfit.
17. Wow, someone has been pigging out!
18. My mom said you are too fat, you better start working out.
19. You are too gross right now; I don't want to have sex.
20. Hey Hun, look they are selling a pill to make your dick bigger! We should try that!

I know, you are probably thinking I would never say that. Well luckily enough we are usually not as blunt to say exactly those words. Sometimes we say something very similar that means the exact same thing. For example: You probably need to lose some weight, maybe we should get you a bigger size, DAMN you are packing on the pounds, maybe you should start a diet, and I saw this add for hair loss…. maybe you should check it out. Even though they are not as blunt, they are really hurtful.

If we feel that our partner might need some help losing a couple of extra pounds, don't tell him or her. I'm pretty sure they all have mirrors. Instead say something like: Babe, I want to start a diet for myself, would you do it with me so I don't get discouraged? Or, Hun, I want to start working out, but you know me, and I need a buddy, would you come with me? In either case we are not attacking the person we love. And remember if they say thanks but no thanks, DROP IT! It's more important to have a good relationship based in love and respect, than to feel we look bad for the person we love the most. Think about it.

The Wedding is Over.... Now What?

         Something that a lot of new couples don't realize is that a wedding and a marriage are two completely different things. One is an event,  the other one is a journey. A wedding is time consuming, stressful, overwhelming, and totally worth it! All you need to understand is how this wedding thing works for boys and for girls. Little boys usually play with cars, trucks (can you blame them for having a Mustang, an RV, a bullet bike, and other toys?). Girls play since they are little about a wedding. I remember putting pillow cases over my head and pretending it was a veil, we would get all dress up and even use make-up. As you can see both boys and girls actually try to obtain and achieve whatever they dreamed of as a child.

As a little girl:

As a grown up:

As a little boy:

As a grown up: 

          As you can see both boys and girls try to achieve their hopes and dreams, and for some reason the whole wedding thing seems to be a bigger deal for girls than it is for boys. Sometimes there are exceptions to this rule, but most likely boys don't have their wedding planned since they are five years old. 

A wedding is an event that is carefully planned. It takes a lot of time and resources to plan a successful wedding. A wedding is something to look forward. But what happens after the wedding? After all the planning, running, spending, and stress is over with, what is there? Answer: A married life.

By no means we are saying that women should only do house work. It's just that  a woman becomes a wife, not a bride. Here are some other neat pics to make my example a little more clear.  

You gotta take that off that dress and that tuxedo someday! 

           About 27% of marriages break up soon after the wedding. It is even harder for people who have never lived with each other before. Although it is not a standard with some people and some cultures, people who have lived with each other before getting married have the upper hand. Some of the things to keep in mind when getting married is realizing that both individuals are actually going to share their life. My mother used to tell me: "You don't really get to know someone until you've lived with them." It is so true. By living together you notice some habits, routines, and preferences that you might have never realized before. 

Some people are used to dress up for dates and then, they realize that there are such things as morning breath, bed hair, smudged make-up, snoring, and even drooling. A dear lady we helped once told me: "Since we've been married my husband does not want to brush his teeth first thing in the morning, wants morning sex, and leaves everything he touches out of place, he even drops the clothes on the floor. I had no idea he was so messy."  It is not a rare thing to realize that living with another person entitles that, exactly living with another human being; another person with his or her own ideas, routines, rituals, and points of view.

For some men the same can happen. Some men have never seen their fiance without make-up. It has been known to happen that sometimes the husband is upset because on a lazy day his wife won't do her make-up, or do her hair. Things might start changing once the whole wedding and honeymoon are over and every one is back to reality. How can we survive those first days, months, and years?

              Here is a couple key points and bits of advice to ensure the survival of your new wonderful life that is marriage:

RESPECT- That is a key word in marriage. Learn that your new spouse has his or her own way of thinking and doing things. When you think of how imperfect your spouse or partner is, remember that he or she too has to deal with a mountain of imperfections that is you. 

COMMUNICATE- The foundation of a healthy marriage is communication, KIND communication that is. When you talk to your partner make sure he or she knows what you like, how you like it and be sure to ask the same thing from him or her. Remember that your spouse might not like the exact same thing, so find a happy medium.  Remember that your partner is not a mind reader. 

BE HELPFUL- Open a door for her, help her with the chores and give her a nice massage any where she needs it. Women usually multitask so help is always welcome. Be a gentleman, she will love it. And ladies, a nice back scratch and a massage for your hubby when he comes tired after work is greatly appreciated. If you both feel tired, you can just cuddle up and watch a movie, or have a sexy massage and see where things go from there.

BE FLIRTY- The fact that you are married does not mean that you don't have to be flirty. As a matter of fact it means that now you can be as flirty as you want! Stare into each others eyes, smile, and blow some kisses! Romance should not stop when you get married quite the opposite, it should get better and better. After all the biggest advantage you have with one sex partner who is your spouse is that you can feel the love. Another benefit is that you get to know what your spouse likes and he or she gets to know what you like. Don't be afraid of trying new things. No need to be guessing, and don't judge if your spouse wants to try something off the wall, now that your married you should both start sharing your deepest darkest fantasies. Remember a relationship requires some give and some take from both sides.

Some more things to remember:

- In some cultures, sexual relationships outside of marriage are extremely frowned upon. However couples that do have sex before marriage kind of have the upper hand. They will know for a fact that the grass isn't greener on the other side. They will  know that they have that sexual chemistry between their new spouse and them, rather than keeping the fingers crossed hoping that the chemistry is there.  For people who do wait once they are married they have their first sexual experience which to be honest can be awkward, frightening, exciting, and slightly painful if your careful or extremely painful if your not, but trust me it does get better.

- Don't be afraid to be yourself and talk about your fears and  hopes with your spouse. They are probably thinking the same thing. Also remember that just because now you can have sex, doesn't mean it is as easy as just shoving "it" in. You want your first night together as a married couple to be special. Take it slow, enjoy yourself, if you think you'll be the only nervous one in the room your mistaken. Your new spouse is just as nervous about the whole prospect of sex as you are. 

- After the honeymoon as your moving and combining all of your personal property remember that it has got to be a give and take thing. Girls, don't just take your furniture, decorations, and stuff and expect your new husband to have his clothes and either sell or throw away his stuff. You need to combine, compromise, and be willing to bend. Just because your used to your living room being decorated with animal print, flowers, and hello kitty, you have to remember your husband may be used to no decorations, besides the TV, a couple of beanbag/banana chairs and an X-BOX. 

             Finding a way to compromise will help strengthen  the bond that you two share. your home has to be a  sanctuary for  both of you, not a comfortable sanctuary for one and a foreign uncomfortable environment for the other. Remember you are both sharing and trying to turn a house/condo/apartment into a home for your new family.

Remember that even though the wedding is over a wonderful life together awaits.